Caramel and apples are my newest fixation. They have been for a while. They have survived longer than most of my crazy ADHD food fixations. The previous one was queso and chips, and I cannot buy the yellow Oreos without eating the whole bag. It’s humorous when I think about it, as though a young child lives inside my fifty-year-old brain regarding food.  I need consistency but chaos all at the same time in every aspect of my life. I eat the same things repeatedly until I get tired of them and move on to the next.

Caramel and apples are now at the top of the weekly grocery list, and I buy multiples to stay supplied. I make lists to keep me on task and focused, but I need to be overwhelmed to focus. I am a walking contradiction. It is a strange existence at times. ADHD is often understood as the inability to focus. However, it is more related to the individual’s ability to control focus or what we focus on. Like my focus on ensuring I have apples and caramel in the fridge. That’s right, apples and caramel are one of my hyper-focuses, as running needs to remain to keep eating caramel and apples to the degree I do. 

Running has stuck, but that is also a love-hate sporadic relationship. I run when overwhelmed or angry and need to re-focus myself.  It is how I clear my thoughts.  Everyone who knows me knows that if I say I am going for a run, no matter the time of day or night, they step aside and let me go. Let’s be honest; running sucks; few people run because it’s fun.  My delusional mind must associate running with something positive because I agreed to run a half marathon last year without any real training outside my 5-6 km clear-my-head runs. This is where my stubborn ADHD traits got me through the discomfort. I make irrational, impulsive decisions like most people with ADHD, but this one was even crazy for me.

I fixate on activities until bored, then move on to the next thing. I have mastered many things over the years.  Kickboxing, hockey, dragon boating, CrossFit, the list is endless.  However, once bored, I move on from them, and I quickly forget. I played euchre every day for four years in university but could not play a game today to save my life. It is strange how quickly my brain moves on to the next shiny object.  I like to think all the distractions and all the new activities serve a purpose to my crazy contradictory mind; life is never dull, that is for sure, and I have come to embrace the crazy.