Sometimes the other shoe is going to stay put. Sometimes good things happen. There are days my when anxiety takes over; I carry an uneasiness that I can’t attribute to anything specific.  These are the days that I find the hardest. These are the days when my husband will say, “Tell me about your day.” As I recount my day, he listens and will say, “That’s it!” when I get to what he thinks it might be.  It is usually something good that happened or a complimented I received.  It seems counter-intuitive that positive moments causes this uneasiness. Something that should bring me comfort brings discomfort.

I have come to understand and accept that my mind works differently in many ways. I am unsure if it is just me, but I often think of things and then wonder if I said them or vice versa. This happens often, to the degree that I ask people to clarify if I shared the thought. This is so frustrating and often causes disagreements. I literally think of something to say, then I need to remember if it was just a thought or if I vocalize it. It is similar to a brain fog but not a brain fog. The thoughts are so clear, but what is unclear is if I shared the thought. I often preface conversations with “I am not sure if I already said this but…”

I am often misunderstood because of the confusion I experience between the reality of thoughts shared and those I think I share. People who interact with me have taken a long time to realize I am serious when I ask if I shared the thought or not. I think they always thought I was joking. Accused of being a revisionist historian really hurts my feelings. The hurt on my face indicates my sincerity in my lack of ability to recall. Relationships with me can be a lot, so I am sorry.

I wish I understood how this makes sense, the ADHD brain and my brain. I hope one day will understand why downtime causes anxiety and chaos helps me maintain my focus. I
I recently thought I figured this out; I am creative and fixated.  My approach has become being myself unapologetically and embracing my ADHD traits that others see as odd or rude. The irony of it all is that these are traits that people often mention they admire. The traits that offend or rub people the wrong way. In all this contradiction what I am sure of is I am lucky that I have many people in my life who accept me for me, and for that I am grateful.