Chaos is calming for me…I don’t get it, either. It makes no sense. What a mess, but I do not want it any other way. The other way causes anxiety and stress, and yes, I know it is the opposite of how it should be. I am the opposite of the way it’s supposed to be. I drink coffee so I can sleep, and a glass of wine keeps me from sleeping. Mind blown… I know it took me a while to figure it out, and I am still learning.

I have done it again. My ADHD plate is piled pretty high. I am okay and super busy, but I need to be aware so it does not take over. I am more productive when I am overwhelmingly busy, and down time leaves me too much time to think. I get anxious and cannot prioritize. This seems like such a contradiction, although it makes sense in my head. I was thinking about the fact that for me it seems like ADHD is a walking contradiction. We fight for independence and tell people we can handle it but then our feelings are hurt when it seems they are not there to support us. In reality what they are doing is supporting us in the way we asked them to by giving us space. I think I owe a lot of people an apology. I am sorry, I now see you were trying to help by not helping because that is what I communicated I needed. We all know my communication skills need work but this one is on me. I would tell you to call me out on it in the moment but we all know how that would end…probably with me leaving to go for a run.

I can be a lot for people, likewise, my ADHD is also a lot for me at times. Does it define me? No. Does it help me understand my scattered contradictory chaotic thoughts? A little. Am I able to understand why others do not get it? Not always, maybe more now than before because I am beginning to understand it myself more. When I write this I guess I should also understand why others do not get it, if I live with it and do not fully get it, then how can others. Again I am sorry.

I feel like the theme has always been “figure it out.” I am trying, I promise. It is a process that is also something I swear is true. I read an ADHD blog the other day that really resonated with me. I often compare my ADHD brain to a hamster wheel, and this blog really hit home with me. It made sense and made things a little normal for me. Although normal is boring, but also a little refreshing at times.

Today also made me think of a mantra I should practice more myself. https://youtu.be/BkVsgXw7Iyk