Inside, outside and upside down.  This is how I often feel. I often wonder what people see and what is real.  I know they do not see the turmoil and daily struggle that helps but hinders me. I present as together, but the outside and inside are often different. I often tell people I wish they could see what I see when they look in the mirror. I wish people could believe in themselves more.

I have recently realized that I relate to people differently than others, or they relate to me differently; I am unsure which it is, maybe both.  I am unsure which it is, but what I do know to be true is that people relate to me.  When I worked in child welfare years ago, I had a client who fired multiple team members.  I was next up on the docket, it was my turn to try and fail, and I hate to admit it, but I tried to fail.  She was a lot. The file was challenging and complicated.  She did not fire me, not for lack of effort on my part.  I eventually asked her.  I said you have fired everyone. Why not me? She responded, “I have done some bad things, made some questionable choices that have harmed my children, but you do not treat me any. Differently, you talk to me like I am a person.  I will not fire you.  I have never experienced this before”. Although this occurred over twenty years ago, it has stuck with me. I fully understood that day the importance of hearing and how it’s different from listening to someone.

People make choices, but not always the best choices.  I have made questionable choices in my life.  Maybe this stays in the back of my head. Maybe that keeps me from passing judgment.   Maybe I remember being judged or treated differently based on behaviours and how it made me feel.  That conversation changed the relationship and helped me help her and her children. She will never know it, but she helped me be a better social worker, maybe even a better person. It’s funny how our interactions with people can influence who we are and how we behave.  It makes me think of the looking-glass self and its impact on us as individuals, specifically those with ADHD.

How we see ourselves is so wrapped up in how we think others see us.   I know we say who cares, I say, who cares what others think, but I believe it is human nature and unavoidable. The concept of self is so important.  We like romanticizing the idea that we do not care what others think. We are stronger than that. If they do not like us for who we are, then screw them, we say.  The truth is that when people do not accept us, it hurts us.   I am unsure about you and hate to admit it, but it does matter.  I want people to see me; I want to be included; I want to belong. We all want to belong.

I have been a little different than others my whole life.  Unsure what made me different, or at least not fully understand how being neurodivergent gave me quirks that made me feel different. The funny thing is that the people I surround myself do not seem much different than me. We gravitate to people like us, people who understand us and share common interests. How many of my friends are neurodivergent?  This is something I have never thought of before.  Do neurodivergent people gravitate to each other?  Most of my friends are very successful over-achievers; they are crazy intelligent, hyper fixated and incredibly caring, sensitive people. Let me tell you a secret…they sound neurodivergent to me.  Let’s not tell them because it does not matter, but I am genuinely grateful for having them in my life.