I did it…

I can officially check it off… it was not as bad as I thought.  Was it a lot? Yes. Were the 100’s of people a lot to deal with, given I hate crowds? Yes, but I survived. I admit I did retreat to corners of the room on occasion, but I lived to talk about it. I submitted an abstract to the CADDRA (Canadian ADHD Resource Association) conference in Montreal in May, crossed my fingers, and hoped for the best and surprise! It was accepted. I have spent months planning and using positive self-talk to convince myself this was a good decision. However, I must admit in true ADHD style, the closer the date, the higher the anxiety and self-doubt.

            I resisted the urge to cancel, to find a way out.  I persevered and lived to talk about it. I admit I needed to go to my room at one point to regroup, calm my emotions and calm myself when someone argued that the ADHD diagnostic process is objective.  My response was, how can a diagnostic method based on the perception of normative behaviours be objective? If I observe a behaviour and then need to complete a questionnaire regarding those behaviours, that is subjective because we are all influenced by implicit bias regardless of how much we try not to be. This angered me. My research is personal. I am aware of my positionality and embrace it.

            I digress. It was a success after removing myself and convincing myself I had to return to my poster presentation. I was initially worried, but people were very receptive to my research.  They saw what I saw and agreed this is an issue that needs to be further explored.   I had the opportunity to discuss research I am passionate about with people equally passionate about it.  I spent the weekend with people at an ADHD conference. Who knew? If you had asked me a few years ago, I would have said, “No way!”. But yes, it was a success because they shared my passion and understood the level of my distraction and inability to explain my research linearly.

I returned to my room, flying high or “lit up,” as my husband said when I called to tell him about my day.  He said he could hear it in my voice, the pride and the excitement.  Some people asked about working together in the future; we will see if anything comes of that.  I told them I was game and would love to work with them. This is where my ADHD self-doubt creeps in, and I wonder if they are just being polite.

 I feel like maybe I can make a difference, but I also have the unanswered question of what to do next.  I was asked many times many times throughout the evening, “What next?”.  That question stumped me because I am unsure.  There are many things I would like to do.  I will apply to a few more programs and hope for the best, but that is not a real plan.  This is an issue for me and my ADHD… I am a planner. Structure and chaos are my friends that keep my anxiety in check. I have another few days of ADHD info tonight; I even have a dinner with these people.  Maybe something will come of that. Who knows?  Stay tuned….