I am at a crossroads. I jumped and took a leap of faith, unsure of where I would land. This, for some, is exhilarating, but for me, it is unsettling.  I plan everything, literally everything.  I make lists and lists and then more lists for the same thing.  Sometimes, I add, subtract, or lose them, but writing them is therapeutic for my garbled mind.  I know this habit of mine makes grocery shopping a chore; it’s evident why my family always finds an excuse not to go with me. It could also be because I always forget the grocery list and zig-zag the store without any sense of direction.  I am a treat to shop with. The ADHD woman, no list, shopping for a family of six.  Can you say shit show?  This is compounded by the fact that I am always hungry, and they say I never go grocery shopping hungry.  What a circus this simple event becomes.

Back to the reason, I am at a crossroads.  In truth, I am not sure why I feel this way, but I do.  I am busy at work.  I am TA’ing four classes next term, all of which interest me.  I leave for Australia in six weeks for a two-week solo vacation to visit my childhood best friend. Things seem to be going well; maybe that’s the issue.  I am waiting to hear about other grad programs I applied to.  The waiting game sucks: I swear applying to grad school is worse than grad school itself, but necessary to continue this research that fuels my passion. 

The absence of the ADHD voice in ADHD research is disheartening.  Further, all the research is behavioural-focused, furthering the misconception of ADHD as a social issue that needs to be regulated. This approach reinforces negative stereotypes and fails to recognize the positives.  The fight to legitimize ADHD is ongoing and impeded by media personalities such as Matt Walsh, who present it as a manufactured excuse to a vast population that takes his word as law.

When I started my research, I was disheartened by the lack of the ADHD voice.  I was disheartened by the focus on the negative and the deficit/ superpower binary.  I bought into it for a bit, until I realized I was not helping the situation but socially reproducing the stigmas and stereotypes I was trying to deconstruct. I wrote about my ADHD as a superpower in my blog, but my ADHD is not my superpower; it is not anyone’s superpower. It is, however, part of what makes me who I am and others who they are, but it does not define us. My superpower is me; it is being true to myself.  If my ADHD traits are part of that, then so be it, but it does not define who I am because I am more than a diagnosis.

I also need help with my advocacy and research.  I want to continue the fight for policy changes in the education system to support those with ADHD, but I am not sure where to turn. What are the next steps? Those I speak to in academia tell me to connect with a professor or someone specializing in ADHD research, but none are in my area.  There are few that I have been able to find at all, and I have looked. I have even made lists.  I will continue the search to find someone, there must be someone. Then, the next feat will be to convince them to work with me or let me be a part of their work.  If anyone knows someone, send them my way… pretty please.