It has been a while since I posted; honestly, there is no excuse. I have been busy, yes, but that is usually when I thrive. The issue is living in limbo without a plan; that freaks me out. I know first-world problems. I have a roof over my head, a job, food… nothing to complain about.  

I actually posted a few days ago but had started this post and forgot. This is normal.  At least expected for me.  I start things, forget, move on till I remember and then return to them.  It’s a pattern that used to freak me out; I thought I had early dementia and went down the doctor’s Google rabbit hole more than once.   Turns out it’s my ADHD and totally normal. 

I am rambling again. Back to the topic at hand: I am in limbo. I don’t know where to go next with my life in academics and employment. I am successful in my practice, but the hustle and insecurities are real, and I am getting too old for this. When I had my midlife crisis and returned to school, nobody could have guessed how much I would love it; let’s be honest, I barely made it out of high school.  However, I sit with a Masters and a love for academics.  I have applied to schools, but I am not optimistic.  I have not been successful in my application to two Ph.D. programs and have been waitlisted for another Master’s program. I have not entirely given up yet, but my gut tells me I will not be successful in applying to the other Ph.D. program on which I have my heart set.  I know there is always next year, but like I said in my previous post, I am no spring chicken.  I want to be able to use the degree; I feel the credentials are essential to my goal of re-storying ADHD from the voice of those who live with the diagnosis rather than from the medicalized pharmaceutical lenses that permeate almost all the information and research available.

While completing my master’s research, I was disheartened by the lack of the ADHD voice. The toolkits and research guided clinicians and parents but not the individuals to whom the research was related—the individuals with whom they needed to interact, whom they should respect, and for whom they should help break down stigmas and stereotypes rather than socially reinforce them. I have presented at conferences, and even for my masters, I was lucky to convince my prof to work with me even though ADHD was not his area. It does not seem to be in any area.  At least not that I can find. I think this is the other struggle: how to continue to research and advocate when I cannot find anyone to work with.  Unfortunately, my voice is just the voice of one; it does not carry the weight, and I do not have the credentials to make people listen.  This is personal and matters to me in so many ways. 

I am doing this for myself as well as for others like me.  They failed me in grade 5.  My academic journey has been a challenge since the start, and even high school seemed unattainable until it was. I persevered, like the baby turtle, and I did not give up; I made it to the ocean of university.  I proved them wrong, got my master’s and began the journey of research and advocacy.  I feel like I am so close to being able to make a change to help others like me.  I am just not sure the last piece of the puzzle will be as easy to attain.  Acceptance to the Ph.D. program may be the most challenging obstacle I need to overcome.  I will not give up and might need to widen the scope of schools and make some concessions regarding the commute.  I will persevere; it just may take longer than I want, but if I learnt anything from my mom, it’s that anything in life worth anything is never easy.  You think I would have learned that lesson years ago because not much has come easy. 

Cross your fingers and toes for me, everyone, because I feel like I will need as much luck as I can muster. I promise to keep you posted.