First, I am sorry for my prolonged absence.  I keep meaning to write, but in true ADHD style, I get distracted or forget.  I will try to do better.

I feel sad and irritated, but I am unsure what it is.  I just returned from a fantastic trip to LA with a really good friend.  We went to see her daughter’s pop-up concert.  It was amazing (her name is Devon Cole). You should check her out.   

                  I know what it is, but maybe not.  I think I have a severe case of imposter syndrome.  I am doing my PhD, which is amazing because I love academics and research, but  I am at a different school than where I did my Master ‘s. These people do not know me, and they do not know how I think, which is tough, especially since I have only recently realized how smart I am.  So, I am a little sensitive to people doubting me.  Who am I kidding? I am a lot more sensitive, which sends my emotions into hyperdrive because of my ADHD.  I feel emotions tenfold, and they never make sense to anyone else, but then they don’t have to.  I am sick of apologizing for how I think or feel, the shit I have gone through over the years. I have earned the right to feel however I do; people can stuff it in if they want to judge. Those are my family friendly thoughts, people who really know me know that is not what I am really thinking about those who judge me.

                  My issue is that I have let people make me question myself again, I thought I was past this. For years I let people make me doubt myself, I know ultimaltely it was on me to push back but I believed them and I let it happen again. I am mad at myslef for allowing this to happen again, maybe its why I am sad. I know I can write well, and I was getting such good grades in my class.  Seriously, I thought my grade was a typo (96%… WTF).  Anyway, another professor in another class commented on my writing and said I should go to the writer’s group. I believed her and I did. It was the worst thing I could have done.  I followed her advice, then I followed their advice, and the same professor who gave me the crazy grade above gave me a 70% because of how I wrote.  My average dropped 8%.  I was livid, still am, but I learned a valuable lesson.  DO NOT LET OTHERS MAKE YOU DOUBT YOUR ABILITY!!

                  The same professor who advised me to go to see the writer workshop questions how I learn and discourages me when I discuss my timeline for my PhD.  I need to learn from my own experiences and stop expecting people to understand my neurodivergence and what I need to do for my success and learning style.  I cannot expect people to understand my need to be overwhelmed to the 100th degree.  Most people thrive on downtime; I falter if I have too much time to think. I need crazy chaos.

We are all different.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I need to remember that I know myself best and I need to follow what is best for me despite others’ lack of understanding or faith in my ability.  I will finish my PhD on MY schedule, before what is expected of me and prove all the disbelievers wrong.  It. They do not get it, they poked the bear and those who question my abilities motivated me, This is personal. See what happens when you fail someone in grade 5, they develope a chip on their shoulder that pushes them to prove people wrong. Yep, that’s me … I failed grade 5 and I am now a PhD student, just goes to show that you should never doubt the underdog .