I respectfully ask that you do not tell me you know how I feel or how I am feeling because you have no clue.  It is just an insult.  It would be like me claiming that just because I have ADHD, I know how other individuals with ADHD feel.  I DO NOT! I may have an idea but we all have our own story.

My emotions are big; too big at times and others may also experience feelings like this, who knows? Not me, but what I do know, are my emotions. They can feel like they are swarming me. Suffocating me to the point of panic at times. They do not always make sense, but maybe they are not meant to. That is not their purpose.  I really do wish they were not so big .

I am highly sensitive.  I always have been, which is funny because I have masked to the point that many people who don’t really know me see me as not very emotional, not” warm and fuzzy” as they like to say.  I have actually been referred to as abrasive. That really hurt my feelings. It is strange, somewhat puzzling,  how easily my feelings get hurt.  Sometimes it feels like tiny things hurt the most, words feel like papercuts that, although slight, sting like crazy.  It’s like the small things hurt the most, and it’s not just things that apply to me but also to others, even strangers.  But when it is someone I care about,  watch out, and I definitely internalize their hurt as though it helps alleviate them of their pain or sorrow. 

This heightened sensitivity is part of my ADHD.  I do not claim to understand why it is part of it; it just is.   I really wish it were not.  I know they say that it is because I care, and it is not that I do not want to care; I do not want it to impact me the way it does. It can be debilitating at times. The tiny papercuts seem superficial, but each makes us less trusting and more cautious.  

Don’t get me wrong; this is not just how I experience sadness or anger, but also happiness, although happiness is just not as easily accessible for me. I am apprehensive, I hold my breath and wait for the other shoe to drop because I overthink everything. I wish I could just shut the negative thoughts off and embrace the moment, but my brain just won’t quiet itself. 

I wish my brain had an off switch…