So many masks, so little time. I feel like I wear many masks to help hide the parts of me that are often misunderstood—those parts that have been called abrasive or revisionist. I know it’s my nonlinear thoughts, my style of communication, and my word choice, but when I try to explain, please don’t accuse me of gaslighting; that’s not my intention. Although I am not surprised by this accusatory response, as I have been explaining myself and apologising my whole life. 

I do not think like a neurotypical person, and I have spent many years suffering the consequences of this. Often misunderstood, I feel like I repel people. It is as if a secret rule book has been hidden from me. What I believe is friendship starts strong, but then people disappear. I know many will say it’s a coincidence, but that theory doesn’t hold water when it happens repeatedly. Many who know me will say it’s not reality, but it is how I feel. This has been my life experience. 

It must be me. I have been called ‘unapologetic’ about who I am. Maybe this is true, or perhaps I spent so many years apologizing for who I am that I have run out of apologies; I have nothing left to give. Why should I apologise? Who gets to decide that it is always me who needs to change? It’s not as if I was welcomed and accepted when I tried to change who I was to fit in; I always existed on the edges and lived on the fringe of the friend group, no matter how hard I tried. Just once, I want to be at the centre. I don’t want just to be included; I want to be invited.  

I speak with kids who live this reality within the school system, and they say they are punished for simply being themselves. The quirky behaviours they use to calm themselves, the silliness that masks their discomfort in social situations, are used against them. We live in a society that defines what is normal and judges those who do not fit. Our school system reflects these standards, often trying to impose a one-size-fits-all method of teaching that pressures neurodiverse children to conform—an outdated approach, to say the least. It is an institution whose policies claim to promote inclusion and diversity, creating a hands-off, bully-free environment to grow and learn. The words sound promising on paper, but they are rarely put into practice. 

It is this institution that shaped my take-me-as-I-am attitude, which serves as a mask. I have realised that this is how I protect myself, the wall of armour I have built. People shouldn’t have to apologise for who they are; as individuals, we need to distance ourselves from those who try to change us. I am complicated and imperfect; we all are. On the other hand, I am too kind. I try too hard and do too much. Is this what pushes people away? Am I the boyfriend who is too kind and gets dumped because of it? I wish life came with an instruction manual; it would make things much less confusing and painful for those of us who don’t fit the normal social mould. I wish our society, and especially our education system, could read this manual and learn to nurture differences rather than punish them. It is those who are different, who don’t fit into the box but think outside of it, who will change the world, and we need to show them that the world values them just as it values those who fit into the institutional box. 

By the way, thank you to those who have supported me. It is a small circle of friends, and I know I can be a lot at times, but please know I appreciate your patience, your acceptance of my absences, and that you accept me for who I am. This helps me accept and love myself. .