I can say that over the years, time has really shown me what is important. Maybe that’s why there are momets when time can become a fixation for me. It feels like if I am not early, I am late, and that’s if I even remember. My mom always told us, “If you’re on time, you’re late.” That woman was early for everything, to the degree that we would give her a hard time as a kid. Now, my family gives me a hard time. They joke that I give myself twice he time required to reach my destination. 

My time blindness is interesting; my ADHD, seems to make me unable to figure out the concept of time.  This seems to be a common occurrence, almost a symptom of ADHD, and if it’s not officially one, then it should be.  The neurodivergent people I know all suffer from some form of time blindness. Some are early, some are late, and some cannot determine the amount of time required to reach a destination or regulate their sleep…sometimes it feels like the list is endless.

This might also have something to do with my need to plan everything; I need life to be predictable. There needs to be a plan; the plan must provide me with intrinsic meaning. I write lists upon lists, have a calendar on my phone, my laptop, an annual paper journal I carry, and a paper calendar on my desk at home. I have all the scheduling bases covered; it’s overkill, to be honest. However, without this level of organization, I struggle to stay motivated, which in turn means I need more focus. Focus is the key to my success and ensuring I do not have to make decisions. It’s a vicious cycle when working, this system of mine makes me feel I am in control of my life; the key word is feel. Making decisions and downtime are my kryptonite; they overwhelm my mind, and even with a masters degree, I struggle to prioritize. This is where the importance of planning and predictability comes into play. 

I treat the most menial decisions as though they’re life-changing. For example, choosing what kind of sandwich to eat, as though the wrong sandwich may result in a catastrophic event. While this can be debilitating for some, for me, I have devised a coping skill; I tell people, “Surprise me,.”  I am learning to defer un-important decisions,  roll the dice and hope for the best. While teaching an education class this term, we did a discussion assignment that required everyone to complete their “personal identity wheel”. It asked all kinds of questions about you as a person, including your personal motto.  I am unsure if I have shared this before, but my personal motto is “Everything happens for a reason.”   It took a while, but I can say I have started to live by this motto.  The funny thing is when I don’t, those closest to me remind me, “You will land where you belong.” This helps me accept there are things in life I have no control over. 

The purpose of this blog today is to keep myself in check as I navigate what feels like a directionless moment in my life.  I continue to wait to find out what my next steps are academically because that will impact all the other aspects of my life.  I can only plan once I have that information.  This is also where my time blindness is an issue and creates situations for me.  Due dates and deadlines are not just suggestions; I never wait until the last minute but submit everything early.  This means when I apply to a program and the deadline is Jan 15, for instance, you can guarantee my application is completed and submitted at least a few weeks prior, meaning I also wait longer to find out the results.  I know it sounds like I am whining, and I probably am because not knowing what I am doing next in my life is driving me crazy.  I know, first-world problems, and I am sorry for being a suck about it.  When I put it on paper and remember why I struggle with some things, I better understand why I feel the way I do.  

I will keep you posted on how this all plays out. Thanks for listening.